"They" said I'm all three of these blokes...although they seem just a little bit contradictory
You are e.e. cummings Your use of the English language is not bound to any grammatical or even logical standards. You live your life with rhythym and passion and find yourself constantly searching for meaning by traveling or in new relationships.
You are Maya Angelou You have a strong sense of self and have faith in your abilities. You are an optimist and believe that things can get better if people work together. You also have faith in humanity.
You are Emily Dickinson You are reclusive and imaginative. Not too many people know the real you, as you almost always keep your emotions locked up inside. You have a devout belief in God yet can be, at times, curiously analytical. Even still, you have passion and longing teaming beneath your surface that only a select few will ever know. You tend to deny your loneliness.
Philosophy - at least in regards to my experience of it - is merely a game of rhetoric. For, in what other field, could a person focus a fifty-minute discussion merely upon differentiating between "feelings" and "emotions?" Thus it is exceedingly hard to take notes from the many rhetoriticians sporting the guise of philosophy professors. They reverberate the same phrase up to about 50 times, each attempt delineating a clearer and more precise picture of their ultimate meaning. All this is fine and splendiferous indeed... unless you consider the much forgotten student struggling under the pangs of hand cramps and headaches. Should she write down the first, brief statement of theme, as most studious, succinct pupils do? Or should she wait and copiously write down, verbatim, every step along the way towards the pinnacle of the all definitive statement of theme? The first response of any sane being would be to answer yes to the former question and disagree with the latter. Let the student copy down the original step along this path to grammatical enlightenment, then let her follow her own particular journey through samsara to emerge on her own to discover the bliss of The Atman.
Ah ha! There my good friend you (as well as all sane people) are quite wrong! The philosophy department at UCLA you see, is merely interested in regurgitation... and the more precisely you vomit back the substance of the professors reasoning, the higher your grade rises. All ingredients and inputs must be present in this Descartes putrid mush for the ta's to sift through with their sturdy red pens if this poor student wants her well deserved A.
All weep for the unseen victim of Philosophy katherine 12:31 PM
Sunday, April 28, 2002
Bruin Swing Dance Club: Wednesday Night
She said: Katherine. You are? He said: Cleave. She said: Cleave as in... My tongue cleaves to my soft palate when I eat peanut butter... or I cleave to my partner Katherine while dancing. A moment of silence as he looked at her slightly perplexed.
Then, right as the music began: uhhhh.....Cleavage? katherine 1:28 PM
Saturday, April 27, 2002
Walking on campus, surrounded by an overwhelming sea of anonymity - 40,000 faceless students, I think of something my 11th grade English teacher repeated ad nauseum:
Solitude does not define loneliness.
The loneliest place in the world is the center of a crowd full of people who don't care about you.
"I don't have a boyfriend- But I do know a fellow who would be very upset to hear me say that."
Couldn't I once just be in a relationship where I feel completely satisfied? Actually - Correction: Couldn't I once just be at the onset of a relationship that I'm completely satisfied with. I've never been in an actual relationship. I never allow things to progress that far.
Watching other people it all seems so simple. Why is it difficult when it comes to me? Why do I make it so difficult?
Ive never gone on a date that wasn't in some way painful. Perhaps I think too much...is that the problem?
"Am I being entertaining enough...What is he thinking...Oh shit, he's going to try to hold my hand...Great, most likely he's going to want to kiss me...Do I want him to kiss me...Crap, do I have to give him the chastity talk...Am I even attracted to him...Why am I on a date with someone I'm not attracted to...Why do I continue to do this when I hate it so much?"
Inevitably I arrive at the same conclusion: I'm here because I don't want to be alone in my room. Because I want to be able to say "I did something Saturday/Friday/Any night. Yes, I'm not repulsive, someone likes me...someone is actually attracted to me."
The Guilt follows shortly afterwards.
Then I have to wonder - Would I be using them any less if I was physically/intellectually attracted to them? Aren't all human relations just a system of use for some sort of ego gratification? Even if you enjoy someone's company...aren't you then simply using them for amusement?
Ah, finally, I found the reason why I'm so damned obsessed with entertaining people. What would I have to offer if I wasn't so witty/funny/flamboyant? So aren't they, in the long run, just using me after all?
For your viewing pleasure... if you can even call it that.
My particular favorite is final dance move. katherine 7:02 PM
Monday, April 15, 2002
Crack Cocaine
Ahhh, just as all things to do with Katherine blossom with rare, sweet poignancy and then slowly fade into oblivion, so too has my desire to blog passed from me. Does anyone ever read this thing anymore? So now this truly becomes my own: deprived of an audience I write only for myself, I don't have to entertain, now I can just be. Can Katherine do anything without an audience, without accolades and constant affirmation? We shall see how long this lasts.
Glory, I sound as though I'm high. katherine 4:02 PM
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
As a sat outside of Powell library, waiting for George, I felt incredibly stressed out. That got me to thinking: why did I feel stressed? This, in turn, lent impetus to a rapid progression of thought which cumlinated in an all-encompassing definition of human relationships in general. Perhaps I am too presumptious... let me clarify. An all encompassing definition of Katherine's human relationships. It follows thusly:
1) The "Honeymoon" Phase: You (I) meet someone rather interesting or intelligent. More particularly, you find in some new acquaintance a trait for which you possess a particular affinity. Thus you feel drawn toward this fresh person by a desire to see/learn more of/about them. Your initial relationship is one best characterized by a delight in this novel individual. Now the level or degree of this delight predicts which (of two) paths the fledgling relationship next follows.
2a) Bored Disinterest: You tire soon of your newly made acquiantance. The original bond does not stand "the test of time" (or whatever the ridiculous cliche is). Either upon further investigation you realize that they in fact do not possess the attributes which intially attracted you to them, or you find that other character "flaws" outweigh their "good" qualities.
2b) Ritualistic Phase: This phase pertains more closely to the remainder of my definition. The connection between two individuals does not fade or weaken with the passage of a short amount of time. With aa unchanging interest...your desire to meet the person on a regular basis emerges. During these times you develop a close intimacy with the new person - either romantically or on a purely platonic level. Growing closer does not, however, seem to weaken the initial attraction. Quite to the contrary, your respect/admiration for the individual augments untill you want to set aside a more permanent meeting time. Thus you set aside a particular time in your day/week/month in which to further foster and deepen your knowledge of your acquiantance- moving the relationship from spontaneous to ritualistic. Proceed to 3.
3) Quotidian Phase: The deepening relationship and increasing attraction lead to more frequent (twice a week/daily) meetings. Such daily, ritualistic practices soon become so integrated into your lifestyle that soon they are no longer breaks, respites from daily activities. Nay, they themselves become nothing more than part of the daily routine. This in itself is not necessarily deleterious to the relationship. It lies dormant in the body of relationships, only becoming actively fatal when coupled with another inevitable step in the process of "getting to know" someone.
4) I haven't decided the title for this stage yet: Now, I don't think there is ever truly a point where you can in fact say, "There is nothing more to know about this person...I know everything about them and thus find them boring." Humans are such complicated, intricate beings that given an indefinite amount of time for exploration there will still remain undiscovered vistas of thought, emotion and experiences. Yet I do believe there is a point in relationships where people say, "I feel comfortable enough with my knowledge of this person and I no longer feel the necessity of probing further into their personality." You still welcome new revelations about their personality as they arise in your contact with one another, the key point though is that you no longer seek unduly for this information. This proves fatal. This negligence and the recent aspects of the quotidian in the now established relationship combine to form the zygote which births the destruction of the relationship altogether.
ok, I'm tired of this right now, so I'll edit and finish later....just for an outline/preview: quotidian --> tedious -->chore
of course the theory is slightly problematic sith I haven't had the time to fully reason it out, just consider it a work in progress...sorry for spelling/grammar problems...I haven't the time to check now. things to add into the picture: where does responsibility enter in, what about the question of spontaneity katherine 1:14 PM
Monday, April 08, 2002
I apologize for my neglect..but I really haven't anything of import to write.
I promise I'll figure something out in the next couple of days, so don't despair- I'll muster my meager intellect and produce something semi-interesting for you to ponder over in the not to distant future.
Till then, farewell...do not abandon me in my hour of stupidity. katherine 5:29 PM
