Sublimated Narcissism
Friday, June 28, 2002
he called!
katherine 8:43 PM
Stream of Consciousness
1. I am the little sister of 3 older brothers: Gene, Wayne and Steven
2. They used to sit on me and tickle me until I peed in my pants. The last time this happened was about 2 years ago.
3. I have never been in love, nor have I been in a serious relationship
4. I was raised in a devout Roman Catholic household; all my brothers fell away from the church. My mother believes her faith to be the greatest gift she can give her children. She is sure that UCLA will turn me into some Nazi liberal atheist… 5. I would like to think of myself as tall (5’ 8”)
6. I used to always be referred to as skinny. This, I fear, is a thing of the past (College = Katherine + 30 pounds)
7. I am hairy. What can I say? It must be the French in my blood. Therefore I will not allow myself (for the sake of my future daughters of Eve) to ever procreate with a hairy man. It’s a pity I feel naturally attracted to the dark ones.
8. I used to dye my hair black for the added drama. Why be a brunette when you could have raven hair? I’ve been growing out my hair, and my natural color for the past year and a half.
9. I feel as though I’m pissing away my youth at college. There are so many things I have as yet to do – I have as yet to live
10. I have been out of California 5 times: twice to Colorado Springs; once to the Grand Canyon; once to New York; once to Vancouver.
11. I find that I spend the majority of the time I use conversing talking about myself
12. I believe it must stem from my inherent narcissistic traits
13. I have to admit that’s only the trivial answer. Many times I take the easy way out, making hard situations trivial by witty comments. I wish I wouldn’t talk about myself so much, I hope I’m not self-centered. Maybe it’s just my weapon for the constant war against silence.
14. I joke around far too often. People who don’t know me never take me seriously, if they know me well, they always take me seriously. I don’t know if I’m happy with this arrangement, but my cynicism is far too embedded in my personality for my to rid myself of it now.
16. I fear I’m far too critical of others
17. I want to do missionary work in Africa after college, although now I’m considering law school or grad school, and that would seriously interfere with those plans. I don’t feel my faith is strong enough for actual ‘converting’ but I would like to help on a mundane level… mainly it’s just my vehicle for leaving this place called the United States and going to Africa.
18. I was teased very often in elementary/ jr. high/ high school.
19. I project extreme self-confidence and cynicism in a frantic attempt to compensate for my insecurities and my desire for acceptance
20. My real major is Philosophy. I added English to make my college experience seem legitimate. That way people wouldn’t think I went to college for the purpose of getting stoned.
21. I have never been stoned in my entire life, although I don’t think I would mind doing pot. I’ve had opportunities. They all just seemed too awkward. I smoke cigarettes mostly for shock value. I’m such a good girl, so give me my one way to be bad. Thanks.
22. I’m currently suffering from a hangover headache. And I am waiting for a very attractive boy named Chris to call me. He most likely won’t, but I hope he doesn’t mind me dreaming about him for the next few weeks. I hate waiting.
23. I generally don’t enjoy partying. Last night was my first party since Halloween I believe. I went because I am incredibly lonely. I only knew the guitarist and he was playing. Which is why I drank, because otherwise I wouldn’t have met anyone. I know it’s wrong to say, but dammit, I really enjoyed myself. Even if he doesn’t call.
24. I generally drink alone at home. I don’t enjoy being drunk in public.
25. I don’t drive. There’s an entire story about a pregnant woman wearing black in the middle of the night. The woman I am destined to hit. I think I’ll name her Helen.
26. I’m 18. Everyone says I look older. I think that’s just something older fellows say to make themselves feel not so guilty about hitting on young girls.
27. In high school I won the senior poll award for Broadway Bound.
28. I was nominated for Most Unique, Fashion Freak, and Unforgettable
29. I dislike sports.
30. I now am a proud employee of Kmart. Cashier. Yes, I now know what it is like to deal with the scum of the earth.
31. I think being politically correct isn’t always so terribly ‘uncool’
32. The therapist I had in 10th grade, after my brother died, said I had ADHD. I now take Ritalin. I don’t think I am, I think he was just ADHD happy because he had it himself. but I still take the Ritalin.
33. I’m a virgin and plan to remain so until I’m married, after which point I plan to have kinky sex every night / more than once a night for the rest of my life.
34. I believe astrology is nothing but a bunch of hogwash
35. I used to always make-believe looking in mirrors when I was younger. I still do.
36. I have a large dress up trunk in my room. I use it rather frequently.
37. I have so many dreams of where I want to live and so many things I want to do with my life. Somehow I have to find a way to put a husband and 8 children into those dreams. Any ideas?
38. I resist putting a lot of effort into my blog because I’m afraid that if I do, no one will read it.
39. Before we had the backyard patio cemented, if you walked outside when the ground was wet, you could feel the slugs moving under your feet… in the moist earth. My brother Gene and I would throw huge mud wars. It was my idea: Mud Pie Surprise. Can you guess what the surprise in the mud pie was?
40. I never could understand why there are such things as awkward silences in the world. Every individual is such an amazingly immense source of experience, wisdom, and just general knowledge. I don’t see how two people, together, could find nothing to talk about. Shit: fifth grade teachers, past haircuts, worms and slugs, scars, emotions… anything. But there’s always something. Right?
finally.. as a disclaimer
41. I dislike the emphasis placed on spelling and proper word use in society today.
42. I have been known to compulsively lie on occassion. although i generally correct myself immediately afterward - so i think you really have nothing to fear.
katherine 8:19 PM
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
So this is it?
i wish i were a boy. not that i am particularly fond of penises (in as much as i would want one of my own), but life as a female is just too damned emotionally exhausting. i'm just so alone right now.
the question rises to the surface "have i arrived and this is life?" all this time waiting, expecting, hoping. each night falling asleep with only the dreams the young can have. each day watching those dreams deplete as doors shut, possibilities cease to exist. each day a step along a path of sequential disappointments.
perchance the only beauties in life are those very dreams, the hopes of an innocent soul. as i age the beauty of my life morphs into maudlin self-pity, regrets. and loneliness- as a child my daydreams dominated my life as my major companion, and what happens now, when they're gone?
or perhaps it's just the change, and i rage against the change, loathing the new form of living until yet another change occurs- it isn't till then that i can actually see beauty in the last stage. yet even then, i'm far too busy raging against the new and mourning for my loss of the old that i never appreciated.
maybe i just need...
katherine 10:32 PM
Sunday, June 16, 2002
Back home and life is boring...
about this time i'm wishing i had kept in touch with my old friends.. even if they didn't care much to keep in touch with me. pride is far too expensive in general. lilia wrote the whole 'what i learned at college,' and i feel as if i should write all that shit as well. i must have learned something right? everyone learns something their frist year at college. right now i'm slightly inebriated (my normal state at home where the liquer flows freely) so i fear i can't do this assignment justice. i won't have a life - intellectually or socially - while at home, so i really can't make any promises as to the content of my blogs as well. so perhaps you all would be best off if you just ceased reading this thing until september. either way, i'll be here.
only thing of interest: tomorrow i start looking for my first job. oh the chagrin of being rejected from mcdonalds. weeeeeee
katherine 10:25 PM
Monday, June 10, 2002
They shoot horses don't they?
katherine 2:39 PM
Friday, June 07, 2002
busy yourself with pottering around and some serious timewasting on trivial quizzes:
brought to you by me by way of those lovely folks at hesitant firmness
1
I am truly passionate.
Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.
You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people.
Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too.
You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintnence, but a great, reliable friend.
2
You are a dreamer. Constantly filling your mind with fantasies, you withdraw inside yourself in order to experience these more clearly. You dislike people and the distractions they cause. You are eccentric and lack a firm grasp on reality. You experience a wide range of emotions, and can often times be dangerous to yourself and others. You need to focus more on the real world.
Your song is: Solitary Shell
Which degree of inner turbulence are you?
This quiz was made by Dionae
3
Which Cartoon Cat Are You? Quiz by gypsydance
4 Contrary to popular belief, not much sleeping is done in here. *wink*
If you were a room in a house, what room would you be?
hmmm... enjoy
katherine 2:29 PM
Thursday, June 06, 2002
what i fear more than anything else is forgetting you
the way your shoulders rocked when you laughed, biting your tongue like a child
running, giggling with mirth into to the front yard when i heard your voice. launching myself at you for one of your prized 'pick-up' hugs
having to tilt my head up as far as i could to look at you
your quirky sense of humor
dodger games and hot dogs. the way you were so proud when you introduced me and gene to your friends 'my brother and my little sis'
everytime you came to our soccer/baseball games. remember how awful gene was? you and i used to hold hands and cross our fingers when gene batted. you always said, "God, please let gene hit this one...please let him catch this one."
the excitement of just seeing you, hearing your voice. do you realize that everytime i heard you arrive, i couldn't help but smile?
how you used to brag to your coworkers about my good grades, and how smart i was.
how much i hated myself for feeling ashamed at some of your jobs.
the look on your face when you held your daughter for the first time.
I'm terrified that soon you'll be nothing more than stories, pictures, nothing more than words i repeat over and over to remember you by. words heard so often that they become meaningless, and then i'll have lost you forever. i cling frantically to these things, trivial as they are, fooling myself into believing that i'm not entirely powerless. it was all so quick and i was so helpless. please god, grant me these memories, these pictures, these stories, for they're all i have
sometimes all i can see is that thing in the coffin...god, why did i look? that wasn't my brother, that lifeless doll with swollen features and a bloated neck. "Mrs. Fowler, his shirt collar won't button, do you have another, larger shirt? The neck is the first thing to swell up you know..." no, that wasn't you steven. my big brother, my 'second-daddy'
happy birthday steven. i love you. i miss you.
katherine 9:27 PM
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
Along the lines of the overall theme of my blog:
A little bragging then i'll cease entirely this self-glorification. i have an amazingly large desire for my phil 21 ta to approve of me... this stems partially from the large amount of respect i have for his intelligence, and my slight, well, major infatuation with him (I don't know how closely the two are related). anyhow, the first essay i wrote earned me an ugly B+/B, the reason being that i write philosophy too much like an english major. i turned in another paper last week. i tried for a completely different style, and i was quite proud of my results. plus i threw in a little humor here and there, using my examples as vehicles for my astounding wit: sentient potatoes, fecal matter, bashing my head against the wall in frustration, and being in hell. (the paper was about descartes' 2nd meditation and my examples were highlighting the possible difference between perception and reality) To elucidate the oddness of my humor, i titled my paperFecal Matter
(but as long as you sense and think it is an excellently written philosophy paper I'm in the green)
right before he passed back our papers i suddenly became very nervous. the other papers didn't matter because i wasn't all that impressed with them anyhow... but i was proud of this one...
i look at the comments on the back
"Genuinely excellent.
Great work.
(Best paper I saw this time - strong and original)"
I love you Thi!
katherine 1:18 PM
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
Why?
Justice for all is on campus. More on this later.
For now all I have is one question: Will someone please explain to me why anyone thinking logically would be in favor of abortion? Please.. I need to be presented with an intelligent argument germane to the critical issue surrounding abortion (whatever one thinks that is).
Otherwise, I think all pro-aborts must be lunatics
For those who wish to answer (I highly doubt anyone will): here's this to help you focus
katherine 8:14 AM
Monday, June 03, 2002
Comments by: YACCS
long time no blog
NEVER SAY NEVER?
So, last weekend I attended a Church of the Latter Day Saints service as research for a religion paper.
In the hallway a woman pounces on me, as I walk with my chum Ryan, saying (I wish I could convey with acuity the horribly annoying tone and general accent), "Why Ryan, is this that girl that you brought and I met before?"
"Oh no Mrs. Vanstegard"
"That's Ok, I know I bare a remarkable resemblance to all other dark haired white girls with glasses."
(She thought I was joking)
Mrs. Sylvia Vanstegard then proceeds to enlighten me upon all the joys of the Mormon Church. She asks why I'm there, I respond. She asks me if I've been baptized. I tell her that I'm actually Roman Catholic (which is another blog in and of itself), and merely attending this ritual to study. I recall the use of "study" roundabouts of ten times - minimum. She asks if I've met with the missionaries. I respond that, in fact, I met with missionaries off and on for about a 6 month period, during which I read the Book of Mormon and learned much of Mormon doctrine. She then repeats, "So, you haven't been baptized yet?" Hmm. My patience was quickly dwindling.
"Mrs. Vanstegard, I don't think I'll ever be baptized Mormon." Then just for safeties sake, "I will never be baptized Mormon."
"Oh, now Katherine! You know what they say... Never say never."
"Ah ha ha Mrs. Vanstegard, we both know that that's ridiculous.
There are some things I will never do:
I will never have sex outside of marriage;
I will never condone the death penalty;
I will never enjoy crushing in the skulls of small, defenseless kittens;
and
I WILL NEVER BE BAPTIZED MORMON."
thank you and have a nice day
katherine 1:03 PM