just lived through a day filled with things in all ways difficult and/or disgusting...
1. despite propensities toward extreme exhibitionism, sometimes shyness and fear of people in general seem to paradoxically challenge our charming leading lady. therefore wearing halloween embodiment of slut costume (aka cleopatra) on campus to classes creates very acute sense of fear. nonetheless the costume went on, and stayed on (excepting of course that minor incident in the men's bathroom with random attractive male in likeness of marc antony) all day. Katherine was, in short, a visible affront to UCLA students' motto of following the universal shepherd of normalcy.
2. announced in front of women studies 10 class (aka class full of feminazi's) an event entitled "feminist case against abortion" while wearing aforementioned cleopatra slut goddess outfit.
3. gave blood. even though saying thus is sufficient in delineating abject horror, must also mention last time donating - donation process very closely resembled a lesson in butchery, of which katherine's arm was the experimental meat.
how infuriating you might ask?
we're talking strangling young kittens level of infuriating here.
people often confuse sulking with being depressed.
('people' being my next door neighbor, but i'm sure it applies to others as well, considering how prolific idiocy tends to be)
let me elucidate the difference:
1. sulk: to be moodily silent
2. depressed: low in spirits
everyone i know who sulks does not do so only to indicate depression or anger, rather they use sulking as a means to make others feel guilty and uncomfortable. such people are hideous and must die slow and unusually excruciating deaths in reparation for their obvious emotional immaturity, where they feel they must regress to an infantile display instead of relying on rational expression and communication to sound their hurts. Hit me, scream at me, force the venom of your vehement harangues (like the alliteration) down my throat. But for Christ's sake, don't get huffy and draw into yourself like my 7 year old idiot savant neice. yes, that really solves problems, just be a silent bitch for the next three hours instead of actually telling me what's the matter.
then, if i'm real good maybe the entire thing will pass over and we can just pretend nothing happened when you come back from watching that stupid show and stabbling me behind the back to your friends. yeah, that's a real grown-up way to solve problems, the calibre of which i haven't seen since the second grade.
don't think i've ever used the friday five for my blog before... it isn't even friday, but here goes anyway
1. If you could only choose 1 cd to ever listen to again, what would it be? my favorites change so frequently, but right now i think it would be Led Zeppelin's Physical Graffiti, which i suppose is cheating because it's two albums, so if we must be particular, it would be disc 1.
2. If you could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be? initial response: Monty Python's Holy Grail, but on second thought, i do have the entire movie memorized, so it would be a waste of my two potential movies. Philadelphia Story: mmm Cary Grant, mmmm James Stewart. Then of course Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, just for those days that i'm incredibly down on myself: for me to realize that i could be much more of a flake, and to warn me never to mess with ether.
3. If you could only choose 3 books to read ever again, what would they be? East of Eden: Steinbeck
War and Peace: Tolstoy
Our Mutual Friend: Dickens (not a particularly keen dickens fan in general though)
Can you discern what an iconoclast i am? i feel naturally drawn to the less famous works of great authors. sucks to anna karenina, vehement grapes and pitiful expectations.
4. If you could only choose 4 things to eat or drink ever again, what would they be? 1. cheese: gouda if you must limit me to only one variety.
2. merlot: yes, i am that damn alcoholic
3. chocolate: anyone who doesn't choose chocolate is either a horrid liar, or a masochist
4. bacon: perfectly sizzled... mmmm, bacon
5. If you could only choose 5 people to ever be/talk/associate/whatever with ever again, who would they be? Me marm, I guess i could limit it to 3 of my split personalities and i suppose my future mate (who will now remain nameless)
Sitting alone in English lecture. The moderately attractive boy from discussion sits one row in front and one seat to the side. A stretch and a glance at the clock on the wall behind: 7 minutes early. Ben. I'm sure he hasn't the slightest clue what my name is. I hear him cough and russle his papers; I sift through my bag, he listens. So intimately awkward. I could broach conversation. Possible dialogues run through my head:
Hi. Katherine. I'm in your discussion right? What's your name?
Then what?
You're an English major... what classes have you taken... how do you like the professor... do you think the grading will be terribly hard?
Millions of similar conversations. Exact replicas save for substitute nouns. Ad nauseum.
The girl behind me begins in an irritatingly sweet tone What's your name... to the chap sitting next to her.
Too bitterly familiar, too much vanilla body spray.
Is it worth the awkward pain of the first dialogue - the forced necessity of further dialogues to come - the responsibility of recongnition?
Solitude does possess a certain comfort.
Torn between two extremes the lecture begins. The tide passes away. katherine 4:23 PM
Saturday, October 05, 2002
Stream of Consciousness Continued
43. It’s wonderful when people laugh with you, not too fun when people laugh at you.
44. Sometimes I feel like it’s my personal responsibility to amuse people/ be the constant center of attention.
45. Lately I’ve been feeling fairly unattractive and unwanted.
46. Most of the dates I’ve gone on have been with men I’m not particularly attracted to, simply because for me it is more important for me to feel wanted, to have my partner think I am desirable, than to want or desire my partner.
47. I am far more personal and intimate with my blog readers than with most of the people I know… this is most likely because I don’t think anyone besides my roommates and about three other people read this blog.
48. I’m starting to think that I want a long term, serious relationship.
49. Looking back on the past 4 statements, it seems I am quite obsessed with relationships at the moment.
50. I love breakfast foods.
51. I wish I could speak and think in more than one language. I often feel as if being a fourth generation Western European mutt has severely marred my cultural identity – namely making it non-existent.
52 I can imagine myself a mother but never can image myself a wife.
53. I’ve named all of my eight children.
54. I very rarely comprehend dirty jokes, and on the rare occasion that I do. It generally takes me longer than anyone else in the room.
55. yet I do have a very dirty mind and relish in double intendres (spelling?)
56. My mother becomes nearly neurotic (literally) when she’s angry; it used to terrify me when I was little. My brother Gene and I would hide underneath his bed. The most terrifying thing was when she would threaten suicide: she went through depression for about five years of my childhood.
57. Now I just become neurotic as well, and I’m sure the whole neighborhood delights in our arguments.
58. My mother is probably the person I’m closest to. I think she’s one of the bravest women I have ever met.
59. I want the first car I drive to be my own green jeep. I’ll get one of those specialty license plates and call it “CRICKET”
60. I know next to nothing about cars. Correction: nothing.
61. My mother never allowed me to wear contacts in grade school, because I’m a slob and would most likely blind myself with the filth that would inevitably collect on my contacts. After much persuasion on my side, she bought them for me as one of my eighteenth birthday presents. I found that I prefer glasses.
62. My dad used to be a jazz drummer, but then my mother met him and told him there was no way that she, a mother of two boys, was going to waste her time on a druggie musician. He went to college and became a computer engineer.
63. Career of the moment: Go on to earn a PhD in philosophy and become a professor.
63. One of my greatest regrets is the fact that I looked into my brother Steven’s open casket, because that now is the immediate memory I have of him: lifeless with a swollen and bloated face.
64. I am a Republican.
65. I have no piercings or tattoos, save for my ear holes, but I never wear earrings. I want a tattoo - I just can’t decide what to get, but I do know that it will go on the upper part of my neck, somewhat behind my right ear.
66. I love desserts and anything made with large amounts of sugar.
67. I have had about eight fillings and one root canal. None of them were really quite painful though. I think adults desperately trying to make their children eat less candy concoct the myths behind root canals.
68. I’ve always loved reading. When I was younger I used to read all the time when I was suppose to be cleaning my room. I’d just throw the book under my bed when my mother walked by. My main aspiration for my future home is that it have a well-stocked library.
68. I have a list of about ten favorite books, but on the top of the list, just for loyalties sake, will always be “East of Eden” by my childhood/adult all time favorite, Steinbeck.
69. In my CD player right now is Thelonious Monk’s ‘Straight, No Chaser’
70. I love jazz and classic rock. This is mostly my father’s influence.
71. I get my love of reading from my mother, my love of music from my father. Both have wonderful taste in their respective fields. (although I suppose, I’m not an unbiased judge)
72. I had to go pee at number 53, but waited until number 71. so I wouldn’t lose my train of thought.
73. If I end up not having children I don’t want to live to an old age. I’ve decided that if that’s the case, on my 60th birthday I’m going to rob a bank, fully armed. That way I’ll either die in a blaze of glory, or I’ll take my riches and live like a king in a third world country, where I will pay peasants to lick my feet. No getting arrested: if it looks like that will happen, all I have to do is aim the gun [not even shoot] at someone’s head, and I’m done for.
74. I can sometimes be quite the showoff and a damned annoying exhibitionist.
75. When I get my apartment next year, the thing I am looking forward to most is being able to cook in a kitchen of my own.
76. Sometimes I can be too damn cynical. I think it’s just my ill-formed sense of humor that leads me to be such.
77. I used to wish as a child for stigmata, that way I could have tangible proof of the existence of God, and also be an undeniable sign to unbelievers.
78. I still wish for it, but now only as an undeniable sign to myself.
79. I miss the relationship I once had with the once so familiar, now the stranger clouded in mystery: that God of my childhood.
80. My neck and shoulders constantly are hurting and in need of a massage. I would ask someone for one, but am always afraid of its sexual connotations. Someone just give me a damn massage.
81. I have always been terrified of the ocean.
82. I love to fly kites.
83. I have asthma, but I actually think it was merely a factor of my melodramatic disposition as a child. Everything is psychosomatic.
84. My favorite memory from summer was sitting in the backyard, in the reclining chair, with a cigarette and a Corona… watching the sunset, listening to Led Zeppelin.
85. I actually enjoyed working at Kmart.
86. I have two 63s and two 68s… I would correct them; I’m just too damn lazy.
89. I’ll just skip two numbers to compensate.
90. I think the perfect way to end this madness is to say that I love cheese, all cheese. Cheese is the perfect ending to all things.
