Sublimated Narcissism

Monday, November 06, 2006

 

life is nothing more than a quick succession of busy nothings...

and in order to prevent it from remaining this way indefinitely, i have taken inspiration from a place which usually fills me with a sense of doom: the corporate world. just so that your heads don't explode with the mind-boggling concept of me finding something hopeful in the bleakness of seas of suits and red tape, i should mention that the scope of the business world's ability to inspire me is very limited.

currently i spend 50 + hours a week at a job that adds nothing to my life except money. the remainder of my day is usually spent reading or watching movies in my filthy apartment while thoroughly intoxicated. any introspection i do almost inevitably centers around the bleakness of my current situation and the seeming impossibility of having a more fulfilling future.

So, my baby step towards a solution:

katherine's personal OKRs: quantifiable stretch goals for the next three months, at which point i will give my completion of these goals a number value from 0-1.

(i have to check out of a hotel very soon so for now i'm just going to add broad categories, further explication will be done later tonight)

1. one hour a day of writing/introspection that does not involve self-pity/loathing.

2. volunteer activity at least two hours a week.

the only worry with this is where to volunteer... when i was religious there were hundreds of different opportunities within my church, now, however, it is more difficult.

at home i volunteered as a docent at strathearn historical park, a low budget museum-ish facility in simi. suffice it to say, this was not very fulfilling... spouting off dates and historical anecdotes to insipid 11 year old boy scouts all the while trying (unsuccessfully) to make them excited about history made me feel even more keenly the desire to fling myself in front of the nearest school bus or SUV.

for now i will look around for an appropriately inspiring activity, which i hope to find within two weeks.

3. no more than 3 drinks a night (1 drink = 1 6oz. glass of wine; 1 12 oz. beer; 1 shot of booze).

4. find at least two female friends in the area.

potential sources: salsa group at work; church group (?) which might be difficult as i am an atheist; volunteer activity

at college i developed this terrible pattern of forming sexually ambiguous friendships with men. as a consequence, i lost almost all of my friends when i started dating michael and somehow have maintained my friendless state post-michael.

i think people primarily form friendships in high school and college, after which point a person's friendship network extends by meeting friends-of-friends, co-workers of friends, etc. by losing touch/moving away from my high-school friends and focusing on only michael in college i think i might have irrevocably settled my future as a social pariah.

but we shall see…

5. no more reading of Russian novels. self-explanatory.

katherine 4:54 PM

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